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Monday, March 2, 2015
Shut the Fuck Up, You Did Not See a Ghost
even stretching as far back as cave finger-paintings that our
ancestors' dads probably wouldn't hang on the refrigerator no matter how
many stars Miss Williams put on them, have been riddled with mentions
of ghosts, goblins, and gay marriage, as well as other horrifying
propositions. Before you dismiss superstition as a sentiment of the
past, you may be further spooked to hear that even today, 45% of
Americans believe that ghosts are real, 55% of Americans do NOT think
marriage should be exclusively between a man and his lack of options
because he didn't wear a condom, and my dad still hasn't hung anything
on the fridge you cold, cold bastard.
(Father nodding in approval not pictured.)
No
matter how many Americans believe ghosts exist, shut the fuck up, you
didn't see a ghost or anything supernatural for that matter. Here's why.
1. Our minds are just playing tricks on us.
Bloody Mary. Mary Poppins. Papa Smurf. Where am I? Have you ever tried looking into a mirror and taunting that ho out by repeating her name? No, I mean Bloody Mary. Well, of course you haven't because you're here. But if you had, you'd have noticed that it actually works. You may not get Smash Bros'd into oblivion by an angry ghost, but if you look into a mirror long enough, you'll start to notice your face distorting and becoming increasingly unnerving—unless of course you're Bruce Jenner, then you'll just notice yourself.
Why is this?
It's called the Troxler Effect, which basically just means that when your eye fixates on a given point, other points begin to fade away. Try it: stare directly at one number on the keyboard and watch the others fade like Arcade Fire in three weeks.
What happens when you look at your face in the mirror is that there isn't a fixed point, so your face starts get all cray, cray and starts to disappear and re-appear erratically. In a study done at the University of Urbino, all participants who tried this noticed their faces changing, while almost half reported seeing a "monstrous" image.
2. We're programmed to assume something's haunting us.
In our evolutionary past, if we saw a shadow and assumed it was nothing, it could possibly be a tiger and that tiger would melee our asses. On the other hand, if we saw a shadow and assumed it was a tiger, but it wasn't, upon further investigation, we'd figure it out and move on, sans ass melee. That's why we've evolved to assume agency instead of the opposite.
Drawing upon 30 years of research into why we believe what we do, author Michael Shermer explains that we first form beliefs for irrational reasons to ensure our survival, then try to rationalize them later. In the same way, because predicting our environment was so paramount to fitness, we fall victim to conceiving patterns where patterns don't exist. The issue is, there are a host of biases that prevent us from refuting that belief once held. It takes longer for us to refute a belief than to ratify it, and in what is called the assimilation bias, we are partial to information that supports what we believe, and dismiss that which doesn't support what we believe.
Most of us don't have to worry about tigers anymore, so when we see that shadow, we still assume it was some sentient creature. And that fear we feel, which is never solidified by a real encounter (because unlike tigers, ghosts of course don't melee people's asses), is rationalized by our delegation of its presence to a mysterious shadow person. Furthermore, because of the assimilation bias, we attribute patternless creaks and slamming doors to ghosts, but disregard the coincidental wind and pissed off teenagers that are their real source.
This Tiger hasn't melee'd an ass in a while.
3. Children and dogs are spazzes.
One commonly espoused idea often touted as an uncontestable fact is that children and animals are more open-minded and less prone to fall victim to social expectations. Thus, they would of course be more sensitive to and as a result, natural experts on, supernatural experience. Other than the fact that's basically like saying just because a Jersey Shore cast member is more likely to get chlamydia, he or she is more qualified on antibiotics than Alexander Fleming, kids and animals like totally blow at separating fiction and reality.
There are a couple of brain regions in particular implicated in our recognition of real or conceived characters, namely the anterior medial prefrontal cortex and the posterior cingulate cortex. It appears that our appraisal of someone's reality is largely autobiographical. That is, you know Barack Obama is more real than Mr. Magoo since he is more personally relevant, because Mr. Magoo isn't a Kenyan Muslim Socialist bent on crucifying the Constitution on a flaming cross fashioned out of the limbs of small business owners and unborn children.
Hebb's law says, "Neurons that fire together, stay together." Not only are these regions underdeveloped in children, but they cannot as easily separate fact from fiction, since the concrete associations we gain with experience have not come about yet and are therefore partial to the imaginative. In play, both children and animals have been shown to act "as if" as an initial way to reproduce reality, and are more likely to anthropomorphize objects, even if the objects aren't very realistic at all. It's easy to see how kids could construct a narrative and become unsure of its veracity later.
On the subject of animals, we can't possibly know what makes them tick all of the time. They have a completely different sensory experience, also called Umwelt. Dogs have an immeasurably better sense of smell than we do. So yes, your dog could be barking in the corner because there is an invisible spirit clanking invisible chains, but on the other hand, maybe someone pissed themselves there some wild night 20 years ago.
(Or maybe the ghost farted.)
4. Ouija boards are bullshit.
Everyone has a friend who's had a freaky Ouija board experience. Unless of course they don't have any friends, and in that case, haha what a freak!
The general consensus is that Ouija boards are conduits of demons and the dead to communicate with the living. Reasonable enough. Most people both don't know how a Ouija board works, nor do they really have any desire to learn if it was anything else than a smoky apparition (RIP Nate Dogg), because that would be insane. The only problem is, in reality, Ouija boards are like strippers: they look fun, but you end up doing all the work yourself.
Back in 1853, Michael Faraday showed that the movement of the pointers in Ouija boards was, surprisingly enough, not caused by ghosts or demons or even Jews, but by an ideomotor movement. That is, unconscious movements by the participant who, though not actively trying to move the pointer, still is. We have these issues with volition all the time: try not looking at a girl's boobs when she says, "Don't look at my boobs."
5. Ghost shows and horror movies perpetuate the myth in our minds.
The reason the scientific method works is because it is objective in its pursuits. Personal and professional agendas are limited by competing theories, double-blind studies, and constant re-evaluation; it is inherently self-correcting. The reason ghost shows work is because they don't use any of that.
There are currently too many ghost shows on nearly every channel ‘round-the-clock. Even when abandoning the objectivity of ghosts maybe not existing, as well as employing pseudoscientific tools that supposedly detect supernatural activity, but are probably just failed sex toys, still no one has found any conclusive evidence of the existence of ghosts. Can you imagine if we had ‘round-the-clock coverage trying to find evidence of a 22-year-old girl on Facebook who hasn't posted the serenity prayer? Can we try?
Professor Paul J. Patterson is an expert on the horror genre, he notes, "...each generation has defined horror, and it turns out largely on the idea of something outside of our understanding or threatening us." That is, what scares us is a reflection of the social constructs of the time: first it was Dracula, then Frankenstein, then women voting, and now zombies. With the fears of biological warfare and antibiotic-resistant bugs today, we've conceived these thought experiments that are movies, books, and other media as a means of confronting the impending doom we feel threatens us. You may be thinking, "Well, we know what comes out of the entertainment industry isn't real," but I'd ask you to remember back when Paranormal Activity was first released and how each one of your friends told you there was this sweet, new voyeuristic horror film that was super real which you only saw 10 minutes of because you realized it wasn't amateur porn.
Regardless, the dichotomy between our entertainment and actual reports of ghost sightings is false, anyway. Paranormal Activity didn't invent the poltergeist, Nosferatu wasn't the first mention of the vampire in history, and Stephen King sure as hell didn't conceive literally ever monster that has ever existed out of thin air. All of these stories were derived from real superstitions of real people who didn't understand their environment or brains during a time when dinosaurs and landlines roamed the Earth and personal experience wasn't commercialized then poorly adapted to screen, and these stories varied from culture to culture (as they would because different cultures faced differnet threats). There's the Civil War general ghost in the South; the Chupacabra in Mexico; vampires in Romania; and Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest. If the things that go bump in the night existed independently of the human mind, they would bump in the night independently of the geographical region where the culture conceived them. Our ghost stories of today are just the fall blockbusters of tomorrow. So shut the fuck up about it, you didn't really see a ghost.
I take it all back.
(Father nodding in approval not pictured.)
1. Our minds are just playing tricks on us.
Bloody Mary. Mary Poppins. Papa Smurf. Where am I? Have you ever tried looking into a mirror and taunting that ho out by repeating her name? No, I mean Bloody Mary. Well, of course you haven't because you're here. But if you had, you'd have noticed that it actually works. You may not get Smash Bros'd into oblivion by an angry ghost, but if you look into a mirror long enough, you'll start to notice your face distorting and becoming increasingly unnerving—unless of course you're Bruce Jenner, then you'll just notice yourself.
Why is this?
It's called the Troxler Effect, which basically just means that when your eye fixates on a given point, other points begin to fade away. Try it: stare directly at one number on the keyboard and watch the others fade like Arcade Fire in three weeks.
What happens when you look at your face in the mirror is that there isn't a fixed point, so your face starts get all cray, cray and starts to disappear and re-appear erratically. In a study done at the University of Urbino, all participants who tried this noticed their faces changing, while almost half reported seeing a "monstrous" image.
2. We're programmed to assume something's haunting us.
In our evolutionary past, if we saw a shadow and assumed it was nothing, it could possibly be a tiger and that tiger would melee our asses. On the other hand, if we saw a shadow and assumed it was a tiger, but it wasn't, upon further investigation, we'd figure it out and move on, sans ass melee. That's why we've evolved to assume agency instead of the opposite.
Drawing upon 30 years of research into why we believe what we do, author Michael Shermer explains that we first form beliefs for irrational reasons to ensure our survival, then try to rationalize them later. In the same way, because predicting our environment was so paramount to fitness, we fall victim to conceiving patterns where patterns don't exist. The issue is, there are a host of biases that prevent us from refuting that belief once held. It takes longer for us to refute a belief than to ratify it, and in what is called the assimilation bias, we are partial to information that supports what we believe, and dismiss that which doesn't support what we believe.
Most of us don't have to worry about tigers anymore, so when we see that shadow, we still assume it was some sentient creature. And that fear we feel, which is never solidified by a real encounter (because unlike tigers, ghosts of course don't melee people's asses), is rationalized by our delegation of its presence to a mysterious shadow person. Furthermore, because of the assimilation bias, we attribute patternless creaks and slamming doors to ghosts, but disregard the coincidental wind and pissed off teenagers that are their real source.
This Tiger hasn't melee'd an ass in a while.
3. Children and dogs are spazzes.
One commonly espoused idea often touted as an uncontestable fact is that children and animals are more open-minded and less prone to fall victim to social expectations. Thus, they would of course be more sensitive to and as a result, natural experts on, supernatural experience. Other than the fact that's basically like saying just because a Jersey Shore cast member is more likely to get chlamydia, he or she is more qualified on antibiotics than Alexander Fleming, kids and animals like totally blow at separating fiction and reality.
There are a couple of brain regions in particular implicated in our recognition of real or conceived characters, namely the anterior medial prefrontal cortex and the posterior cingulate cortex. It appears that our appraisal of someone's reality is largely autobiographical. That is, you know Barack Obama is more real than Mr. Magoo since he is more personally relevant, because Mr. Magoo isn't a Kenyan Muslim Socialist bent on crucifying the Constitution on a flaming cross fashioned out of the limbs of small business owners and unborn children.
Hebb's law says, "Neurons that fire together, stay together." Not only are these regions underdeveloped in children, but they cannot as easily separate fact from fiction, since the concrete associations we gain with experience have not come about yet and are therefore partial to the imaginative. In play, both children and animals have been shown to act "as if" as an initial way to reproduce reality, and are more likely to anthropomorphize objects, even if the objects aren't very realistic at all. It's easy to see how kids could construct a narrative and become unsure of its veracity later.
On the subject of animals, we can't possibly know what makes them tick all of the time. They have a completely different sensory experience, also called Umwelt. Dogs have an immeasurably better sense of smell than we do. So yes, your dog could be barking in the corner because there is an invisible spirit clanking invisible chains, but on the other hand, maybe someone pissed themselves there some wild night 20 years ago.
(Or maybe the ghost farted.)
4. Ouija boards are bullshit.
Everyone has a friend who's had a freaky Ouija board experience. Unless of course they don't have any friends, and in that case, haha what a freak!
The general consensus is that Ouija boards are conduits of demons and the dead to communicate with the living. Reasonable enough. Most people both don't know how a Ouija board works, nor do they really have any desire to learn if it was anything else than a smoky apparition (RIP Nate Dogg), because that would be insane. The only problem is, in reality, Ouija boards are like strippers: they look fun, but you end up doing all the work yourself.
Back in 1853, Michael Faraday showed that the movement of the pointers in Ouija boards was, surprisingly enough, not caused by ghosts or demons or even Jews, but by an ideomotor movement. That is, unconscious movements by the participant who, though not actively trying to move the pointer, still is. We have these issues with volition all the time: try not looking at a girl's boobs when she says, "Don't look at my boobs."
5. Ghost shows and horror movies perpetuate the myth in our minds.
The reason the scientific method works is because it is objective in its pursuits. Personal and professional agendas are limited by competing theories, double-blind studies, and constant re-evaluation; it is inherently self-correcting. The reason ghost shows work is because they don't use any of that.
There are currently too many ghost shows on nearly every channel ‘round-the-clock. Even when abandoning the objectivity of ghosts maybe not existing, as well as employing pseudoscientific tools that supposedly detect supernatural activity, but are probably just failed sex toys, still no one has found any conclusive evidence of the existence of ghosts. Can you imagine if we had ‘round-the-clock coverage trying to find evidence of a 22-year-old girl on Facebook who hasn't posted the serenity prayer? Can we try?
Professor Paul J. Patterson is an expert on the horror genre, he notes, "...each generation has defined horror, and it turns out largely on the idea of something outside of our understanding or threatening us." That is, what scares us is a reflection of the social constructs of the time: first it was Dracula, then Frankenstein, then women voting, and now zombies. With the fears of biological warfare and antibiotic-resistant bugs today, we've conceived these thought experiments that are movies, books, and other media as a means of confronting the impending doom we feel threatens us. You may be thinking, "Well, we know what comes out of the entertainment industry isn't real," but I'd ask you to remember back when Paranormal Activity was first released and how each one of your friends told you there was this sweet, new voyeuristic horror film that was super real which you only saw 10 minutes of because you realized it wasn't amateur porn.
Regardless, the dichotomy between our entertainment and actual reports of ghost sightings is false, anyway. Paranormal Activity didn't invent the poltergeist, Nosferatu wasn't the first mention of the vampire in history, and Stephen King sure as hell didn't conceive literally ever monster that has ever existed out of thin air. All of these stories were derived from real superstitions of real people who didn't understand their environment or brains during a time when dinosaurs and landlines roamed the Earth and personal experience wasn't commercialized then poorly adapted to screen, and these stories varied from culture to culture (as they would because different cultures faced differnet threats). There's the Civil War general ghost in the South; the Chupacabra in Mexico; vampires in Romania; and Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest. If the things that go bump in the night existed independently of the human mind, they would bump in the night independently of the geographical region where the culture conceived them. Our ghost stories of today are just the fall blockbusters of tomorrow. So shut the fuck up about it, you didn't really see a ghost.
I take it all back.
25 Ways Your Super Bro Friend is Trying to Tell You He's Gay
He means: "I only have sex with women over 40 because they're more receptive when I begin to cry."
He says: "Hey asshole, wake me up when your alarm goes off!"
He means: "Wake me up, before you go-go."
He says: "Nothing's really on. I'm just watching a re-run of the French Open a few years back on ESPN Classic."
He means: "Kill me by AndyRoddasphyxiation!"
O...M...G.
He means: "I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about men blowing each other, which makes me feel conflicted."
He says: "You're a pussy!"
He means: "If pussy is a derogatory term, I must not like them that much.''
He says: "Hands down, the greatest movie ever is Rocky 3."
He means: "It is, motherfucker, just deal with it. Steel Magnolias is a close second, though."
He says: "I got me deer; he put up a good fight. I thought my rifle wasn't going to be enough to take down his...hooves."
He means: "Don't you just love nature?"
You: "Look at that rack!" Your friend: "Ew, no."
He means: "Look at the size of what can fit in my ass!"
He says: "Go Packers!"
He means: "I want to watch gay porn, but since my urges confuse me, I'm going to opt for the more socially acceptable alternative of watching a gang of large black men jump on top of the white protagonist who just removed an oblong object from beneath another man....but with helmets on."
His Dodge Ram says: "Vroom, vroom, excessive acceleration!"
His Dodge Ram means: "I'm called a Dodge RAM for Christ's sake!"
He says: "I wrestled in high school."
He means: "I wrestled in high school."
He says: "I can bench 350."
He means: "Feel my pecs."
He says: "Vegans are a bunch of douchebags."
He means: "Vegans are a bunch of douchebags, but veggie burgers aren't that bad."
"Who wants to hear about how I get enough protein?"
He means: "Good for you, Hilary, good for you."
He says: "Homosexuality is a CHOICE!"
He means: "Homosexuality is the RIGHT CHOICE!"
(At Starbucks) He says: "Yeah, I'll just take whatever. No, it doesn't matter. Whatever's seasonal. Sure, that's fine. No, no heat sleeve."
(At Starbucks) He means: "I WANT A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTTTEEEE!"
He says: "I'd totally hit her!"
He means: "I'd totally hit her for wearing white after Labor Day!"
He says: "I was in the Boy Scouts."
He means: "As a child, I hung out exclusively with other boys, was given participation jewelry, and voluntarily wore a scarf. Oh, and I sold baked goods."
He says: "Haha, it's only gay if you make eye contact!"
He means: "Staring contest, Brent."
He says: "Gays cause hurricanes and other disasters!"
He means: "All gay people are X-men."
He says: "I play fantasy football!"
He means: "I played Pokémon cards growing up and need an alternative as a front, but one that doesn't make me gay. In fantasy football, you get players and are awarded based on their skills. In Pokémon cards, you do the same thing. So everyone else was cool for drafting Brett Favre, but I was GAY just because I blew ONE guy for a holographic Charizard?"
It was.
He means: "I always remember which one is homogenous, because I too love a man in uniform."
He says: "All gay marriages should be annulled."
He means: "If I can't have him, nobody will."
He says: "Hell yeah! Chest bump!"
He means: "We're both kind of drunk, where's this thing going?"
He says: "Brokeback Mountain is bullshit, cowboys wouldn't bang each other!"
He means: "Sheep generally don't fight back and their wool feels nice."
You're about to hear a baaaaaaad pun.
The Joy of Santa Casey
A
few days before Christmas last year, I received a call from Sunny, my
kindergarten boss. I dreaded answering the phone when she called because
I always knew she was going to ask me to work. Even with this
knowledge, I took her call. We quickly exchanged some greetings and then
she dropped the bomb on me: "Would you like to work this Monday?"
"Ah... Sunny. That's Christmas Eve," I moaned.
"They think you are the real Santa Claus," Sunny laughed. "They have never seen a white Santa before!"Koreans treat Christmas more like Valentine's Day, so Christmas Eve doesn't really matter to them,
but I always remember being a kid, enjoying looking at the tree, going
to church with my mom at night, and then unwrapping only one present
before bedtime. Christmas Eve ranks up there with Christmas Day for me.
"I
know it is Christmas Eve," (Sunny uses proper English and always sounds
like she's in a hurry to blurt out everything she needs to say as fast
as possible) "but you would be going to kindergarten dressed as Santa
Claus."
"I'll do it," I replied in a flash.
Why? I wasn't
really sure, but I remember last year watching one of the kindergarten's
bus drivers dress up as Santa and it just looked so fun. He talked,
laughed, and played with the kids while I just felt jealous.
I asked if I needed a suit, but she told me she owns one.
"I'll pick you up Monday at 10."
"Ho ho ho."
Monday morning I grabbed my red sweatshirt I use for my Super Mario Halloween costume
and the Santa hat Sue made me for last Christmas. I didn't see the
point of shaving so I didn't. I waited for Sunny to pick me up and
jumped in her car as we took off.
"Thank you so much for doing this for me. I think you will be a perfect Santa, Har-uh-ah-buh-gee."
"Huh?" I asked."
"Oh, that means 'Santa Grandfather.' That is what we call him in Korea."
"You know that basically just means Saint Grandpa?" She just shrugged.
We
arrived at the kindergarten I worked in for a few months in the really
nice suburb of Bundang. The principal, vice principal, or whoever, came
to greet me with a giant smile. I put on the Santa suit and was glad I
brought my own hat because the one matching the suit looked really
crappy. Actually, the entire suit appeared to cost maybe five bucks. The
beard didn't cover my face, the cloth seemed to be made of felt and the
suit was one-size-fits all so it was lumpy in a lot of weird places. I
looked at myself in the mirror, rolled my eyes and thought, "Well,
they're only kindergarten kids."
When I stepped outside Sunny and
the vice principal clapped their hands then begged me to snap photos
with them. I cocked an eyebrow and said, "Really?"
"Oh my
goodness you look just like Santa!" Sunny cried. I took about five
photos with the two of them, and then another teacher wanted more
photos. And then a different teacher. And then the cook.
Finally,
I walked into a classroom. I didn't recognize any of the kids, but they
recognized me... as Santa. The kids jumped, screamed, sang, and grabbed
me.
"They think you are the real Santa Claus," Sunny laughed. "They have never seen a white Santa before!"
Wow. That's heavy. I guess I didn't think of that, but my Grinch heart grew three sizes.
The
kids lined up and listened when I told them to stand nicely and
quietly. They sat on my lap and answered a few questions like, "What is
your name?" "How old are you?" and "What would you like for Christmas?"
When every kid enjoyed his chance on my lap I picked a few of them up.
The whole time teachers snapped pictures. Afterwards I told the kids,
"Ho ho ho! Practice your English, do your homework, listen to your
parents, and be nice to your teachers! Ho ho ho!"
As the first
class finished I took a breather. This was probably the most fun I'd
ever had teaching. Maybe even being sober. I looked at myself in the
mirror and didn't see a crappily-suited Santa, but the delight in the
little kids' eyes. A hand snatched me away from my reflection.
"Picture
please please please?" one of the teachers asked. Good grief, the
teachers wanted photos too. I snapped another roll of photos. Well, it
wasn't really a roll of film, but you get the point.
I nearly threw my back out throwing each little twerp up in the air, and I could feel my voice growing hoarse from all the "Ho Ho Ho-ing."
I did another few classes and then Sunny asked, "Do you have any glasses?"
"I don't wear glasses."
"Shoot. The next class you teach they will remember you. We need to cover your eyes or they will recognize you."
"Oh,
there are sunglasses in my bag. Let me grab them." Keeping a spare set
of shades never came in more handy. So now I wasn't just Santa, but the
coolest Santa with sunglasses.
I recalled a few of my old
students, and even fewer of their names. They loved me just as much as
all the others. I repeated my demand that they study hard, listen to
their parents, and be nice to their teachers. The kids went wild. And I
took another few hundred photos.
I finished up my time and asked
Sunny if she could drive me to Yeowan Kids so I could spend some time
with my little prides and joys. She beamed and we took off. As we drove I
pulled cottony stuff off my five o'clock shadow and relished my time as
Old Saint Nick. Soon enough, I did it again.
The Yeowan Kids
recognized me, but still jumped for jolly joy. I snapped another ton of
photos with the teachers, students, and cook. As magical as the
experience must have been for them, it was even more so for me.
I
finished up, loaded some photos onto Facebook, and ate with the Yeowan
crew. Everybody smiled and seemed to want to pat me on the back.
As
I stuffed my Santa suit in the bag I thought, "If I'm the only white
Santa these people have ever seen, could I be a professional mall Santa?
Could I deliver presents to people's houses? How could I make money off
of this? If I bought a decent suit, I could make a ton of money off of
this!"
I called Rob: "Hey, are you staying at your uncle's and aunt's?" He said yes. "Would you like me to stop over dressed as Santa?"
"Are you serious?"
"Sunny
Teacher had me be Santa at this kindergarten and the kids went bananas.
I have this suit with nothing to do tonight and I thought it would be
fun to pay a visit to your uncle's dressed as Santa."
"That would be awesome."
I called Gene and asked the same thing and he thought it would be a grand idea as well.
Rob's and Gene's families both lived relatively close to each other. I showered and packed and shot out to Rob's uncle's place first. I hadn't been to the area since my friend Brooke left.
Eventually
Rob's uncle picked me up. We chatted a little bit. He told me his two
children's names and what they liked. I dressed in the hallway and when I
entered, the youngsters gawked at me. "Oh my goodness! The real Santa
Claus!" They didn't actually say that, but I could tell they were
thinking it.
I told them that they should do their homework,
listen to their parents and teachers, and always be nice to their
friends. I "ho ho ho-ed" quite a bit too.
They offered to feed
me, and I took a few bites for the road to Gene's. Rob's uncle said,
"Originally, I thought this was really stupid, but my kids had so much
fun. Thank you so much. That really changed their feelings and moods. Do
you want any money for this?"
"Oh no. I couldn't take your money.
You gave me some food and your kids are happy and you drove me around
town. Just have a merry Christmas I guess."
I redid everything
with Gene and his little cousins. Again, the little ones watched me and
were mesmerized. I blurted "Ho Ho Ho" another hundred times or so and
Gene turned to his Aunt, "Well, he sure is jolly."
After that
session ended and Gene's cousins were instructed to listen to their
elders, study hard, and be kind, Gene's uncle asked me how much I
wanted. I declined but he gave me some Christmas cake stuff anyway.
As I left to walk to the subway Gene stopped me. "Cheers, mate. That was incredible. What can I do for you?"
"Just buy me a Guinness tomorrow when we go out."
"One Guinness? I figured you should get 50,000 won at least for that."
"That's what I will charge next year. I'm going to make a business out of this, and make a shitload of money."
In
the end, the happiness I saw in these kids honestly warmed my heart.
I'm still smiling right now writing about it months later. Buying Coke
for kids after soccer, hugging, singing with them and everything under
the sun is fun, but absolutely nothing compared to being Santa.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Country Music is Immoral and Illegal
You
love country music. Who wouldn't? Sure, it may be simple and
repetitive, but some people say there's brilliance in simplicity. Well,
maybe not some people, but I just did. Heartbreak, Jesus, a cold one,
and a suspiciously lavish, jacked-up truck that isn't reflective of the
town's median income. Rinse. Repeat. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
No, but do fix it, though. And with your bare hands; this is country music for Christ's sake.
Or Christ for country music's sake.
Once
the twang of that third and final chord hits your ears, it wraps around
your heart like fishing line and pulls you away from that pretentious
uptown apartment in the city that everyone outside of farming
communities are presumed to have, and back down to Earth so that you can
see that the key to life truly is simplicity. And an expensive tool
set. And a barn full of pesticides and other biological agents
engendered by the miracle of modern chemistry. And an advanced knowledge
of contemporary agricultural science.
Okay maybe not so simple, but who hasn't asked themselves what white people in Kentucky are doing on Saturday nights?
The only state where "Gettin' Lucky" is one of the most unlucky things that could happen.
There's
just one problem with country music: it glorifies breaking both the
laws of God and men. Here are a few of the worst offenses.
| STALKINGPunishment: Up to 1 year in prison and $1,000 fine for first offense (Louisiana) |
At first glance, you may think country singer Tyler Farr's song "Redneck Crazy" is just another Texas Chainsaw Massacre
installment. But it's really about a man who wants to "park this
Silverado on your front lawn," also known as trespassing and destruction
of property, "get my pissed off on" (very different than getting off by
getting pissed on), and "lean my headlights into your bedroom windows"
because his girlfriend was getting a little action on the side from a
man with a smaller truck. I'm not kidding, though: "he can't amount to
much, by the look of that little truck."
If all of that wasn't egregious enough, he also intends on throwing "empty beer cans at both of your shadows" from his truck.
Which brings us to the next moral infraction...
| DRINKING AND DRIVINGPunishment: Up to $1,200 fine and 90-day license suspension for first offense (Alabama) |
The worst part is that car was a Transformer.
While
country crooner Jason Aldean is "swervin' like I'm George Jones" down a
country road, he admits that he's got "an ice cold beer sittin' in the
console" in his song, "Dirt Road Anthem."
Country's newest heartthrobs Florida Georgia Line
mention that "a little something bumping, thump, thumping on the wheel
ride, the mix in our drink's a little stronger than you think" in their
new single "This Is How We Roll." That bump, thump, thumping may just be
a fine member of the Florida and/or Georgia State Patrol knocking on
your window ready to "roll" you right back to the station.
| CRIMINAL HOMICIDE Punishment: Death or life without parole for capital offense (Texas) |
RIP Buzz Lightyear.
Well,
we've got women chronicling pre-meditated murder in both The Dixie
Chicks' "Goodbye Earl" and Miranda Lambert's "Gunpowder and Lead," but
because both of those are women responding to domestic violence, thus
possibly considered morally defensible to some people (but not the
State), we'll ignore them.
However, in "Ol' Red," Blake Shelton
laments: "Well, I caught my wife with another man and it cost me 99."
You may think that this was merely another prison blues ballad, but we
learn that the entire song narrates a tale of the protagonist playing
wingman for a blue-tick hound that was "pretty as she could be" so that
he can escape, and we can rally around him. Considering he talks about
everyone and their dog's sexual exploits except his own, it's not hard
to imagine what prison was like.
| THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS OF TAYLOR SWIFTPunishment: Eternal damnation (Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Creed) |
It's
universally known that Taylor Swift is above reproach. Common knowledge
says that this phenomenon is propagated by everyone's fear that she'll
put them in a song. But what if it's because she's a demon forged from
gnashing teeth in the deepest sulfur lakes of hell that feeds off of the
tears and money of our children?
1. Lust
In
"22," Taylor Swift exclaims in an outburst of ardor: "You look like bad
news, I gotta have you." And again for emphasis, "I gotta have you."
2. Gluttony
Taylor
talks about a bitchin' party in "Love Story" with ball gowns and
dancing and gardens and balconies. Could be a little much? Sure, she
does use two analogies that are totally novel and have never ever been
done before in referencing The Scarlet Letter, as well as Romeo and Juliet. Giving her that creatively is still overshadowed
by the fact that the song and video are loosely based upon a story
about two families that were so excessively wealthy, the most menacing trouble plaguing them was what their last names were.
3. Greed
Taylor
Swift does critically examine the fame, fortune, and flashing lights in
"The Lucky One," but she made $55 million last year, bringing her net
worth to $200 million. You don't get that sort of money by climbing down
from a sycamore tree and giving half of what you own to the poor.
4. Sloth
Taylor
Swift seems to be working pretty hard for all of that money. Yet in
"Mine" she talks about her significant other waiting tables while she
was busy...being a flight risk? She also mentions "SITTING there by the
water" with her boyfriend and also "LYING on the couch." Doesn't sound
like she's got a whole lot going on, now does it? Jesus WALKED on the
water and JUMPED onto the couch on Oprah to profess his love for Katie Holmes. Don't think about it, just move on.
5. Wrath
We
all remember Kanye interrupting Taylor Swift. Well, maybe all of us
except for Kanye, who still thinks he's part of an elaborate Truman
Show. In Taylor's song "Mean," she doesn't forgive and forget, but
clearly expresses that her rage lives on as she reduces her anger muse
to a "liar" and "pathetic." After threatening to tell her ex's friends
that he's gay (which she clearly intends condescendingly), she commits
arson to fuel the fire of her vengeance in "Picture to Burn."
6. Envy
In
high school, everyone had that bitchy girl in homeroom named Ashley who
had perfect blonde hair, perfect skin, no freckles, and twirled her
hair and bobbed side to side gracefully as she laughed and reported you
to the principal for stealing her toe nail clippings. We get it. But
when Taylor Swift's "Ashley" starts a relationship with her guy friend,
she isn't exactly happy for them in the song "You Belong With Me."
7. Pride
Pride is often seen as the deadliest of the Seven Deadly Sins.
It's the Bruce Lee riding atop a predator drone after an 8-ball of
deadly sins. Taylor Swift's self-righteousness is thinly-veiled in the
songs "Dear John" and again in "Mean." Her pride is most clearly
demonstrated by "We Are Never Getting Back Together," in which she
explains why she's done with her ex and she's such a catch (but not
enough of a catch for her guy friend in "You Belong With Me"
apparently).
Steal These Tweets: America the Absurd
Feel the freedom of mediocre life, questionable liberty, and the "are-we-there-yet" pursuit of happiness, with justice for some.
- Holding the door open for a woman is a gesture by which men show they respect women by reminding them that they couldn't handle even the simplest tasks without a man.
- It is illegal to read a text message while driving because of the danger, but it makes your child safer if someone is reading your "Baby on Board" bumper sticker while driving.
- If you do a drug without corporate sponsorship, like heroin or crack, you are a "junkie" or an "addict." If you do a drug with corporate sponsorship, like Percocet, you are a "Brett Favre" or a "Rush Limbaugh."
- "Don't judge a book by what the fuck is a book?" -Kids today
- Arguably the most famous superhero in America, Superman hides his identity by pretending he has astigmatism.
- Nothing says "I care that you care that I care about not caring" like designer sweatpants.
- Fruit now tastes just like real fruit snacks.
- The only unbelievable thing left is that people still think they have something to tell you that you won't believe.
- You can't even point a gun at someone in public without the fear of being knocked out by a random teenager anymore.
- Jesus died for our sins so that we could praise him with bejeweled crosses on the ass of $100 faded jeans.
- Taylor Swift has accumulated a $200 million net worth while we've had the pleasure of watching her blossom from a poor, naive teenager full of angst, into a rich, naive teenager full of angst.
- Parents and children go through 18-year cycles of one kicking the other out of their houses.
- People can call me a "cracker," but I can't use the "N" word without someone saying, "Sir, we don't have Neopolitan, just vanilla or chocolate."
- Millions read magazines that show candid photos of celebrities, proving that they're just like regular people, but with mansions. And jet packs. And immortality. And they don't go to jail.
- "You're in OUR country, at least speak English!" yells a man in a language not indigenous to his continent.
- "Cinderella Man" was the most disappointing gay porn that has come out in years.
- Members of the Christian Right fearlessly prevent the termination of unwanted pregnancies by preventing the availability of a substance that prevents unwanted pregnancies.
- America accounts for just 5% of the world's population, but 25% of its prisoners. In other words, we rehabilitate their antisocial behavior by isolating them from socializing.
- A baby holding a weapon is the official mascot for Valentine's Day, as well as the NRA's next pitch, called the "Stand Your Playground" law.
- "Extreme Weight Loss" is a television show on ABC that inspires millions of people to lose weight while remaining sedentary on the couch for an extended period of time to watch it.
- "The Real Housewives of Orange County" is a show about real housewives from California, watched by real housewives from everywhere else.
- At age 5 we are taught to share our toys. At age 25 we are taught sharing is socialism.
- Anonymous is a hacktivist group that makes you feel better about the government violating your privacy with the slogan, ''We're always watching.''
- Before the internet, people actually had to look like what they look like.
- You are taught to never take candy from strangers, unless you are wandering innocently in costume from house to house like a sitting duck.
- Jesus told Zaccheus to come down from the sycamore tree and not give half of his possessions to the poor because it enables them and creates a culture of dependency.
- "Maury" is a show that teaches us that people with blurry faces make terrible boyfriends/girlfriends.
- You didn't give it up for Lent until every single one of your Facebook friends knows about it.
- We're considered weak because we haven't bombed anyone in a while, not because we all held our breath when Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars.
- The best paid occupation is pretending that you're not pretending to be someone else on camera.
- On any phone, you can dial "0" for the operator, or literally any other combination of numbers for the NSA.
- People today talk in bigger fucking hyperboles than any other time in recorded history, possibly even before that.
- At the Golden Corral buffet, every child under 10 must be accompanied by a mother under 17.
- Religious persecution in the rest of the world: death. Religious persecution in America: "Happy Holidays."
- Kim Kardashian's first marriage tragically ended after 72 days because the institution was corrupted by gay couples.
- The key to life is being a 22-year-old girl on Facebook with the search for "inspirational quotes" favorited in her browser.
- Notable followers of Christianity have begun to accept evolution and concede that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive impact from a comet or meteorite... sent by God to kill them for having sex before marriage.
- My thoughts and prayers go to victims of natural disasters. My time and money go to seeing what Kanye ate for breakfast.
- Cul-de-sacs are places where people live so that they don't accidentally turn into cul-de-sacs.
- According to commercials, we all have a bright future of grimacing in general pain and talking about our colons when we get older.
- If you don't have your ID on you and get carded buying cigarettes at the gas station, just show them your concealed weapon to prove you're of age.
- People who get resources from their parents call giving resources to people who did not get resources from their parents, "entitlements."
- The government has no right to impede on my right to impedge on the rights of anyone else.
- 780 million people in the world don't have access to clean water. 316 million in America flavor their drinks because they don't want access to clean water.
- "And go and make disciples of all men, by either tackling them or running from those looking to tackle you, then pointing at me in the endzone." -GOD
- Every fall season, there are 26 new "#1 TV dramas."
- People complain about money corrupting our politics, but nobody charters a jet, rents a Mercedes upon landing, and puts on their Armani suit to go to Capitol Hill and protest.
- The best way to not see a ghost is to watch a professional ghost hunting show.
- Non-conformists are a group of people who conform to not conform to groups of people.
- In the Boy Scouts, you hang around exclusively with men, wear scarves and matching uniforms, hold hands and sing songs, and are given jewelry as you advance in rank. In the NFL, you hang around naked men in the locker room, after which a group of black men gang tackle a white protagonist while he grabs an oblong object from between the legs of another man bending over in front of him. You absolutely cannot be homosexual if you want to do those things correctly.
5 Solid Facts That Prove the World is Actually Getting Better
"The world is awful and falling apart."
-The Media
-The Media
"No it's not."
-The World
-The World
Hi,
I'm Cole, I bitch about things online professionally. Well, not
"professionally" in the sense that I get paid for what I do. Not yet at
least (still waiting for that check to clear that my editor wrote out
for the amount of "1,000,000 Unicorn Orgasms," with the signature
"Totally legit, for realsies"), but the point still sticks that most of
what I write about is me just whining about things, or correcting things
that other people think in a smug, assholish manner, often while not
wearing pants.
When you break it
down, the actual rate of drug use, violent crimes, teen pregnancy, and
Twittering is on a happy decline. Ok, well not Twittering.So I want to take one article, and instead of talking about petty shoplifting or TV shows about bears, to talk about what people seem to really, really go out of their way to not talk about.
And that is that the world we live in is a pretty goddamned awesome one.
And
not in the sense that some rich asshole can go out and buy a
water-powered jetpack if he feels like it—because technological
innovations are cool and we should all be appreciative of that or some
bullshit—I mean in an actual, concrete, measurable way.
The world
is nowhere near as bad as everyone says it is. It literally can't be,
because we would all have exploded by now otherwise. Don't believe me?
Here's a whole bunch of awesome bullshit that you probably didn't even
know was happening....
1. 1,000,000,000 People Have Been Lifted From Poverty Since the 90's
So let's open up with a heavy hitter.
There
are some shitty parts of the world. No denying that. Fortunately, the
world decided to go ahead and clean up its act, because it heard its
parents where visiting and it wanted to make a good impression. I had a
joke lined up for the end of that analogy, but in all honesty, it's
getting really late and my roommates are arguing a lot, and ammunition
for the joke cannon seems to be in short supply at this moment.
So
let's turn our focus away from my comedic shortcomings and instead talk
about how there's a billion fewer people living in poverty then there
were twenty years ago.
This is a concrete number by the way.
There's an (admittedly low) income rate defined by the UN, and if you
make less than that, you are considered grossly impoverished. And less
than one billion people fall under that line now than twenty years ago.
Isn't that pretty cool?
As a world we weren't expecting to even maybe hit this number until 2015, but we did back in 2010. This is partly because of the economic boom over in China
shaking things up pretty strongly, and an unprecedented number of
people there being lifted out of poverty at a startling rate (I'm
talking hundreds of millions of people, here). But China aside,
the rest of the world is doing better than literally ever. This is
partly because we as humans give more of a shit, collectively, then we
ever have, but also because we're better at giving a shit than ever before.
Oh, and we're not stopping, by the way. One of the goals is to pull another billion people (AKA the majority of people left in poverty) over the next twenty years.
Poverty
is a beast that will probably always be around in some form, but as a
general statement, we're getting pretty good at using it's dick like one
of those boxing speed bags.
2. The Giving Pledge
The
first and fourth richest men, as of the writing of this article, are
Bill "Go Fucking Figure" Gates and Warren "I Wear More Hawaiian Shirts
Then Most Goodwills Even Stock" Buffet, respectively.
So
what do these two men have in common, other than being able buy people
to kidnap you so that they can hunt you down on the island nations that
they can afford to own?
They are both doing their damnedest to give away all of their money.
Seriously.
So
many wonderful things could, and should, be said about the Bill and
Melinda Gates foundation alone, but when one couple giving away billions
of dollars to many of the world's most needed causes around the world isn't
the best thing happening in an article entry, then we need to take a
step back and appreciate just how awesome people can fucking be
sometimes.
A couple of years back, Bill, Melinda, and Warren more
or less got together and decided that the amount of money that they, and
many of the world's other wealthiest people had, was just absurd. Like,
Buffet could afford to "hire a team of people whose full-time job it
was to crash Italian sports cars in the most magnificent way possible,
24 hours a day, and still have more money than 99% of the world" kind of
absurd. And that's after he had to shill out money to get an army of
lawyers to cover all of those pesky wrongful-death suits ingresult from
all of the professional crash test dummies he hired in that example.
It was so absurd that they decided to do what most billionaires absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances: donate it.
And then they went a step further: they got other billionaires to join in.
Like, most of them.
Seriously.
Back in 2010, an estimate of the wealth pledged by the first forty billionaires was around $125 billion.
As
of the writing of this article, 87 more have signed the pledge for a
total of 127. One hundred and twenty seven billionaires all got together
and decided to donate metric shit-tons of their own wealth because Bill
and Warren asked nicely.
What have you done today?
So while this entry might make you personally feel like an under-accomplished lazy couch-tester, you can't deny the fact that this is a good thing for the world.
What is the money going towards, specifically?
Everything.
Seriously,
the Bill and Melinda gates foundation alone dabbles in a little bit of
everything, from providing clean water to disease research. Hell, they just recently hosted a contest for the world to get together and design a better condom. I didn't even know that that was a design that needed improving on but Bill and Melinda decided to improve it anyways.
And now they have the backing of 125 more billionaires.
I'm optimistic about the future of this thing.
3. Sweden is So Good at Recycling, They've Run Out of Trash and are Importing the Refuse of Other Countries
Trash
is a bit of a problem in most of the world. Or at least most people say
it is. Personally, I say if someone wants to throw away the plastic
rings from a six pack of beer and give Flipper the chance to practice
himself some autoerotic-asphyxiation, then hey, more power to 'em.
But outside of my admittedly not very widely shared views on aquatic mammalian masturbation assistance, the whole trash thing is sort of getting out of hand.
In
some places. In others, like many European countries, and despite what a
lot of people seem to think, the USA, they're getting a lot
better at handling their own refuse. Hell, Rwanda recently became the
cleanliest country in Africa. You might not think that's much of a title
to hold, but I assure you, you don't have even the slightest idea how
seriously they're taking it over there.
But even with Rwanda charging people $150 just for having
plastic bags (seriously), none of them can hold a single damp,
flickering candle to the trash-handling juggernaut that is Sweden.
How
good is Sweden at disposing of their own sheddings? Ask Norway, since
they're one of the first countries to take on Sweden's trash donation
program. And no, Sweden isn't donating their trash. They're taking other countries'.
Why?
Quite simply, they've set up a recycling program so good, that they, as a nation, have effectively run out of reusable waste. So they're taking other countries' waste.
And
this isn't just them building houses out of old bottles, cinder blocks,
and Kidz Bop CDs (or whatever the European equivalent is), it's
actually their energy program that's using up most of the waste. It
provides real, fairly clean energy to the people of their nation
(thirteen people huddled around a fire in Stockholm, and untold numbers
of reindeer) on a powerful basis. And they aren't the only ones getting
in on it.
Stateside we're getting pretty good at harnessing this
whole "bio-energy" thing from decaying matter, in Australia scientists
have managed to turn sewage waste into usable fuel, and Germany (who
like to think of themselves as the clean energy capital of Europe) are
getting a little angry about Sweden stealing their thunder, and are
getting their shit underway, too.
So, no. It's not a problem that'll vanish overnight, or soon, but the fact remains that we're getting a lot better at it.
4. Everything Your Parents Complain About is Wrong
This
entry is more focused on America in general, but since that's where
most of my readership is, I think we'll let this one slide. Besides, a
lot of the generalities discussed here are improving worldwide as well.
Drug
use, violent crimes, teen pregnancy, Twittering, and all of those other
things that scare old people are on the rise. I mean, just turn on the
news! Every day you hear about some guy on some crazy new drug eating
some person and trying to kick off the apocalypse in the manner of
origination we always expected. That is to say, from Florida.
Also,
all you have to do is scroll through your Facebook feed and count off
the unlucky bastards that are getting thrown in jail, or pregnant. And
they'll probably name the kid something dumb, or with an astounding lack
of foresight, like Khaleesi or some bullshit.
It sure does seem
like all of that shit is getting worse, but the observant among you
will notice that I put the word "seem" in italics, denoting that a
certain stress should be placed on that word. It's called writing. Try and keep up.
And
it only seems that way, because well, there's a couple of reasons.
First off is that seriously, you should really stop giving most "regular
news" channels/sites your attention, because that shit is so much worse
for you then you probably realize.
News stations are exactly like
any other television show: they need views. And do you know what gets
views? Tragedy, terror, and trite bullshit. People usually tune in to
watch negative or scary stuff for the same weird brain reasons people
are much more likely to leave a review on Yelp if they had a shitty
experience then if they had a really good one. The other reason why it
seems like there's so much more of that shit is that because
technically, there is.
Now hold on and let me explain some maths to you really quick.
There's
a shitload of fucktons of people in the world (still not as overcrowded
as most people think it is. Have you even done an image search for
Nebraska? We got loads of room) and as such that means that they're
doing more things. Just, like, in general.
But when you break it
down (groups of a thousand, ten thousand, etc) the actual rate of all
those things I opened this segment with are on a very happy decline
(other than Twitter, which, tragically, at the writing of this article,
is still a thing).
Let's look at some numbers. Because this article is now Sesame Street, apparently.
Lots
of teens are getting pregnant, because teens have sex/are nearly
legally retarded, but how many are getting pregnant? If you answered
less than ever for the last 70 goddamned years, then you got very
optimistic all of a sudden, but you're also correct. So yes,
statistically, your mom and grandma (and great grandma, possibly,
depending on how old you are) were all bigger floozies then you. Yeah, I
used the term "floozie." They used that back in World War II times,
right? Because again, that was the last time teen pregnancy has been
this low. That's awesome.
But all those kids who manage to avoid
sticking humans inside of each other are still getting caught up in this
tidal wave of drug use and addiction, right?
...umm.
Right,
you read the header, you know where I'm going with this. Again, plenty
of people are using drugs. Teens, too. But again, it's lower than ever.
Other than weed. That's up by like, a million percent. That doesn't seem
like it could be an accurate number, but really, it's probably not far
off.
Fine, but if you avoid all of that, your life could still be tragically cut short by all of the violent crime that's getting thrown around these days willy nilly. I mean, the days of leaving your front door unlocked are over.
And
they never should have started to begin with since once again, you
guessed it, violent crime is sort of on its way out. It was never really
super low, regardless of what your grandparents tell you. What happened
was in the 80's, violent crime fucking exploded (partly due
to, yup, crack!) and didn't really start going down till the 90's at
some point. But the important thing is that it's still going down.
Neat, huh?
5. You Can Totally Buy a Water-Powered Jetpack
We
live in a world where you can buy a water-powered jetpack, and nothing
anyone says (even me, at the start of this article) can make that
anything less than just the neatest damned thing in the whole wide
world.
Watch this video:
That had nothing to do with water powered jetpacks. I'm sorry I abused your trust like that.
Watch this video:
If you didn't picture yourself riding the top of that thing, screaming "Weeeeeee!!!"
as loud as you can, then you're dead inside, and you can stop reading
my article right the hell now. The internet door is on your left.
For the rest of you who still have some sort of child-like whimsy dwelling inside of you, wasn't that thing awesome?!?!? I know, right?
So,
price tag. Yeah, unless you're one of the billionaires who signed The
Giving Pledge up there, there's a pretty solid chance that you don't
have the disposable income needed to purchase one of these dream-making
machines.
But again, it's the point of the damned thing. We live
in a world where some scientists got together and decided to spend a
weekend building a water-powered jetpack and they decided to share it with all of us! That is just the nicest thing ever.
The world is pretty neat.
Top 5 Sexiest Female Demons/Devils
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like... well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let's be honest here, the only reason an adult male (who can buy as much candy as he wants) would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
It's pretty obvious that supernatural forces are at work when you’re having sex with Charlize Theron and you're imagining another woman.So in honor of Halloween, I'm going to step out of character a bit and repossess my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don't judge my costume and I won't call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let's just try and appreciate each other's costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It's not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by the idea of a woman who wants nothing more than to embrace immorality and sin, but throw in the notion that she's willing to do absolutely anything he desires and you'd be surprised at how quickly men will ignore the fact that she's really an evil bitch. Even if it's a woman who could easily be classified as completely heinous, one thing's for certain, men love female Demons/Devils.
In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Zombies and the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, so naturally, this year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Demons/Devils, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how hellish their movie or show was.
5. Connie Nielsen as Christabella Andreoli in Devil's Advocate (1997)
The look in her eye almost incests on you fucking her.
Needless to say, things become bogus, heinous and non-triumphant rather quickly as Kevin starts working incessantly while neglecting his displaced wife who then starts seeing all the other wives of the firm's lawyers as demons. To make matters even worse, Kevin starts fantasizing about one of the other top lawyers at the firm, Christabella Andreoli, played by Connie Nielsen. It's pretty obvious that supernatural forces are at work when you're having sex with Charlize Theron and you're imagining another woman, even if it is Connie Nielsen.
Eventually, Kevin's wife goes insane, just after John rapes and mutilates her (I mean, who wouldn't, right? Go insane I mean! Not the way you thought I meant it, pervert! Jeez!) and she ends up killing herself. His mother, being ever sensitive, then proceeds to tell Kevin that John Milton is his dad. So naturally, he goes to confront his dad and after getting confirmation that John raped his wife, Kevin tries to shoot him, but of course the bullets have no effect and he finally understands that John is in fact Satan. Whoa... bummer dude! However, not as big of a major buzzkill as finding out the woman you've been fantasizing about all this time is actually your sister. Whoa! Major incestual bummer, dude!
However, that doesn't stop John from trying to convince Kevin to still have sex with his sister so that she can father the Anti-Christ. Now I don't want to get all technical here, but isn't Kevin, being the son of the devil and a human woman, actually the Anti-Christ already? Whatever, never mind, who cares about logistics as long as Connie Nielsen gets naked and lies down on an alter? Except, free will is a bitch and Kevin decides to shoot himself in the head instead of fucking his sister.
Personally, I don't know what's more disappointing when it comes to this movie, the fact that no one ever actually got to fuck Connie Nielsen, or that she didn't yell, "You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!" when Satan's games caused Kevin to shoot himself. Either way, I guess the moral of the story is to just be excellent to each other. And... PARTY ON, DUDES!
Oh and Connie Nielsen, you have one bodacious body, you can lie on my altar any day.
4. Tia Carrere as Akivasha aka Nalissa in Kull the Conqueror (1997)
There's absolutely no doubt that I'd rule behind her.
With the new king seemingly fucked to death, she becomes queen by default, because let's face it, any woman who can fuck like that, does absolutely rule. Anyway, eventually she wakes Kull up and offers him immortality and the chance to rule with her, which he promptly turns down. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but since he was already willing to rule with her, when he married her, I guess he really just doesn't want to fuck her for eternity.
See? I told you this movie was painfully ridiculous, I mean, who wouldn't want to fuck Tia Carrere for eternity? I know I would, but then maybe it's the fact that Tia Carrere is a long haired, mixed race, Asian American (Hawaiian, Chinese, Spanish and Filipino) which we all know from past articles, I have a severe weakness for. Or maybe it's the fact that she's an ex-Catholic school girl (attended Sacred Hearts Academy) who very clearly has a dark and naughty side to her, which let's face it, everyone has a weakness for. Or maybe it's just the fact that she's fucking hot as hell and not just in this role, but in every single movie or television show she does. Whatever the case, the idea of anyone, even someone as stupid as Kull the Conqueror, NOT wanting to fuck her for eternity is just too ludicrous for me to even bother telling you the rest of the movie. Just watch it, Tia Carrere is in it, which is reason enough to check it out, but she also just happens to be horny in every way possible.
Tia Carrere, I'll take you in any era and keep those fires burning down below for all eternity.
3. Jennifer Love Hewitt as The Devil in Shortcut to Happiness (2003)
It's hard to believe anyone would ever have any objections to whatever this woman says.
After she magically fixes his broken window and gets rid of the investigating police men, she lets on that she is the devil and will offer him ten years of success for the price of his mortal soul. I bet Diana Napolis (a.k.a. Karen Curio Jones) had a fucking field day with this movie! Never mind, moving on... To alleviate any reservations and guilt Jabez is having, she then brings the elderly woman back to life, as a demonstration of what she is capable of. Because apparently, magically fixing broken windows just isn't as impressive as it used to be. Personally, if Jennifer Love Hewitt showed up at my doorstep wearing a red leather trench coat, I'd probably just agree, right then and there, to whatever she wanted, but then that's just me.
After finally realizing that she has the power to give him everything he ever wanted, he agrees to the exchange and asks if he should sign something. She responds by opening her trench coat, revealing her extremely low cut, little, black dress and then jumps on top of him to consummate the deal. Not for nothing, but in the future, she might want to lead with the fact that fucking her is how they seal the deal and just forgo the magical window fixing and resurrection bullshit, you know, in the interest of time management and high throughput soul gathering. Just saying.
Anyway, after she leaves, everything turns around for Jabez Stone and he obtains instant fame, success, wealth and women. However, as with most deals made with the devil, it doesn't go according to plan and he eventually realizes that he ultimately is still empty and dissatisfied with his life. By the way, did I mention that he got to fuck Jennifer Love Hewitt? Oh... I did? Yeah, okay, I just thought I'd throw that out there again in case anyone was beginning to believe the whole dissatisfied with life horseshit.
So like the whiny little bitch that he apparently is, he ends up taking her to court over the matter... bizarre, completely fucked up, unethical, supernatural court to be exact, where he eventually wins his soul back, thanks to Anthony Hopkins. So what have we learned from this movie? Basically, if Jennifer Love Hewitt shows up at your door in a red leather trench coat, agree to whatever she says, fuck her brains out and then sue her in order to feel satisfied with your life. God bless the judicial system.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, you can use psychotronic, cybertronic, or any other kind of weaponry you want, in order to control my mind and manipulate my body, as long as we get to fuck to seal the deal first.
2. Elizabeth Hurley as The Devil in Bedazzled (2000)
There wouldn't be any idle hands associated with this Devil, that's for damned sure!
Enter Elizabeth Hurley, in a smoking hot, little, red dress which is just one of countless delicious outfits she wears in this movie. Seriously, the costume designer of this movie, Deena Appel, deserves an award for every single flawlessly sexy costume that Elizabeth Hurley appears in...(slow clap) Well done, Deena, well done indeed! Anyway, what was I saying? Oh right, I was talking about entering Elizabeth Hurley...er I mean Elizabeth Hurley's entry... er... Phew, is it hot in here, or is Hugh Grant completely fucking crazy for cheating on Elizabeth Hurley with some ratchet ass hooker?
Anyway, after Hurley reveals that she is the devil, she offers Elliot seven wishes for the price of his soul. Now normally, when it comes to women, obviously you don't want to contract a single thing, but in this case I'd probably jump at the chance. Elliot, after a little convincing, signs the contract and wishes to be with Alison. Of course, because she's the devil, Hurley doesn't grant Elliot's wish without a wicked little twist. In fact, she doesn't grant any of Elliot's wishes to be with Alison without a catch of some kind, which is likely why she provided him with a little red pager to call her and eject from the wish.
Time after time and sinfully seductive outfit after sinfully seductive outfit, Hurley brings Elliot back to reality just before everything crashes down around him. In the end, Elliot uses his last remaining wish for Alison to have a happy life and due to a technicality in his contract, which states if he commits one truly benevolent act then the contract is void, he gets to keep his soul.
After escaping eternity in hell, Elliot has some newly found confidence and asks Alison out again only to find out that she's seeing someone. However, when he goes home, he discovers that he has a new neighbor, named Nicole, who not only looks exactly like Alison, but is equally as dorky as Elliot ever was and they live happily ever after. Personally, eternity with Elizabeth Hurley prancing around in skimpy little sexy costumes seems like happily ever after to me, but then I'm a horny little devil myself.
Elizabeth Hurley, just say the word and I'll gladly dip my pen in your inkwell.
1. Megan Fox as Jennifer Check in Jennifer's Body (2009)
Eat your heart out, or she'll do it for you.
Her best friend and the narrator of the story is Anita "Needy" Lesnicki, an insecure, nerdy teenager played by Amanda Seyfried, who does just about everything Jennifer says. One night, the two of them go to a local dive bar to see an indie rock band who unbeknownst to them are playing there to find a sacrificial victim to use in a demonic ritual in order to become famous. After the club mysteriously burns down and everyone is in shock, the band convinces Jennifer to get into their creepy van and drives off.
Later that night, Jennifer shows up at Needy's house, covered in blood, acting like a bizarre ravenous animal and pukes up weird, black, spiky fluid all over the kitchen before leaving. The next day at school, Jennifer acts like nothing happened and when Needy questions her about it, she plays it off like Needy is just over reacting. While the whole town is grieving over the loss of all the people who died in the bar fire, Jennifer seduces the football captain only to eat him alive and not in a good way. Then a month later (yeah, they kind of just gloss over an entire month) Jennifer, apparently needing further nourishment, seduces, kills and eats the school's token emo kid. Then Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried make out....
Seriously, lez be honest, does it really matter what happens after that? Fine, whatever, but what's really the point? You're still thinking about Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried making out, or maybe that's just me. Anyway, Jennifer explains that the band needed a virgin for their sacrifice and because Jennifer wasn't a virgin (Um, Duh!) the ritual allowed a demonic spirit to take over her body, effectively turning her into a succubus. But who are we kidding, Jennifer was probably a succubus before, I mean she's easily sucked off an entire bus load of people, am I right?
Jennifer then seduces Needy's boyfriend, Chip, whom she eventually kills causing Needy to go after Jennifer with a vengeance. Because Needy is a nerd and nerds do their research, she already knows that Jennifer can be killed by stabbing her in the heart when she is weak and hasn't fed in a while. So Needy goes to Jennifer's house, when Jennifer is hungry, which results in a Megan Fox/Amanda Seyfried cat fight on Jennifer's bed ending in Jennifer's last words, "My tit" after Needy stabs her in the heart. Okay fine, maybe Megan Fox didn't just show up to win the title of sexiest demon woman, but rather seduced, wrestled, clawed and bit her way to the top of the list and I'm just talking about how she acted with her female co-star, let alone her male ones.
Megan Fox, feel free to devour me whenever you want.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Demons/Devils, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to exorcise my right to give a brief honorable mention to some devilishly sexy women, who didn't make the final cut, but it would be a sin not to mention.
Amelia (Mimi) Kinkade as Angela in Night of the Demons (1988)
Emma Caulfield as Anyanka in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Wish (1998-2003)
Emmanuelle Seigner as The Girl in The Ninth Gate (1999)
Heidi Mark as Darla in Charmed: She's a Man, Baby, a Man! (1999)
Bai Ling and Heather Stephens as Jhiera and Shari in Angel: She (2000)
Kimberly James as Lina in Angel: War Zone (2000)
Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase in Angel: Birthday (2003)
Ashanti as Lissa in Buffy The Vampire Slayer: First Date (2003)
Amy Acker as Illyria in Angel: A Hole in the World (2004)
Jodi Lyn O'Keefe as The Spider Demon in Charmed: Spin City (2004)
Nicki Aycox and Rachel Miner as Meg in Supernatural (2005-2012)
Katie Cassidy, Genevieve Cortese, Anna Williams and Michelle Hewitt-Williams as Ruby in Supernatural (2006-2011)
Katie Cassidy and Katherine Boecher as Lilith in Supernatural (2006-2009)
Natalie Denise Sperl as Lilith in Succubus: Hell-Bent (2007)
Sasha Barrese as Casey in Supernatural (2007)
Shannon Elizabeth as Angela in Night of the Demons (2009)
Anna Silk as Bo in Lost Girl (2010-2014)
GIna Varela as Helena/Demon in The Devil's Rock (2011)
Lily Rabe as Sister Mary Eunice in American Horror Story: Asylum (2012-2013)
Alaina Huffman, Sharon Bell and Anna Galvin as Abaddon in Supernatural (2013-2014)
I'm sorry devil women, as wicked as your beauty may be, I had to banish you to the underworld in order to keep it under five. Besides, what's the worst thing you could do to me, tempt and seduce me into spending eternity with you? Call me crazy, but somehow the idea of a morally wrong and sinful woman, doesn't scare me in the least.
So to all the frightfully sexy, seductive, smoking hot, female demons/devils out there, I say, "Get me behind thee!"
Happy Halloween everyone!
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