Dating from the Waist Down: A Female Perspective

Ladies, have you ever ended up at a man's house after your first or second date with no intention of being intimate, but the attraction factor escalates quickly, and suddenly you realize you haven't showered since before work that morning and need to freshen up your "Judy"?

So you find yourself in his bathroom with every intention of taking a cool washcloth to your lady bits frenziedly, but there's not a single damp towel to be found, only his large shower towel and a bottle of liquid soap. So you wildly pump the liquid soap into your hands, scrub Judy down, and clean up with half a toilet paper roll.

Classy as fuck.

But sometimes the guy only has bar soap and this is where your critical analysis skills set in. Do you run the soap under hot water for 15 seconds to get the germs off before you swipe it across your crevices furiously while muttering, "Hope you like the taste of Irish Spring motherfucker!" or decide then and there to keep all contact above the waist? I didn't even know they still manufactured Zest soap, but your puss isn't fully clean until it's ZESTFULLY clean—and covered in pubes from rubbing too hard.

And ladies, you want to keep it spotless down there. A buddy of mine stormed into my apartment and guzzled down half a bottle of refrigerated Jim Beam after an intimate encounter went terribly awry. Upon seeing the amount of alcohol carousing in his belly I suggested he may want to eat something. He turned to me and said, "I'm full! I think she had a yeast infection. Whole grain 50-calorie bread made in her panties."

I told him to keep the bottle.

What's the endgame here, people? Marriage? Kids? To be so comfortable in your relationship that shaving becomes a special event reserved for weddings and the rare three-day tropical weekend getaway to the proverbial "coast"?

I once attended a wedding sans boyfriend and decided to keep my four-month no-shave streak going. Four in the morning, eight of us ended up in a hot tub, and one of the groomsmen felt my leg up under the warm bubbled water. Watching the confusion on his face was priceless. "Is...is this you?" Having no intention of hooking up, I nodded seductively, indicating that the wildebeest he was caressing was all me. You still want it? I could tell it had been a while because he seriously contemplated making a more aggressive move even though I was a Sasquatch from the waist down.

Guys, besides having liquid soap readily available, make sure that your place is appealing. A "friend of mine" brought a movie over to the house of an interested party only to discover he and his two male roommates did not own a television. Unbelievably, they did not have any intention of buying one either. For a while it was fine. The girl prided herself on being surrounded by savvy intellectuals; regularly scheduled programming just wasn't a part of their life. But as the winter rolled in and outdoor activities became limited, the girl couldn't fathom the idea of not being entertained by a screen, so she hauled her badly dated TV/VHS combo from college up three flights of stairs and gifted it to them.

"How were you getting girls over here before you met me?" she asked.

They weren't.

Dating should be easier now that apps like Tinder get you in without putting too much emotion on the front line. When I asked my co-worker what Tinder was and to show me how it worked, he took out his phone and began rapidly swiping his thumb right without even looking at their faces. You're not even checking if you're compatible! Didn't matter, he was increasing his odds with wild abandon and I have to admit I was jealous. Jealous that Tinder hadn't been invented when I was single, envious that I was robbed of a potential addiction, and disgusted that even if I was single and on Tinder, my hairy Bigfoot self would probably not perform well.

What If... Whatever

What if you could be anyone in the world starting now other than your cool self? Who would you want to be? Would it someone you are jealousy of? Desirous of? Confused by? Fixated on? What if you wanted to be me? That would be weird. What if I wanted to be you?

What if you could climb Mount Everest this afternoon with your bare hands? Would you do it? Would you want to? Why or why not? Would you attempt this knowing you were probably going to fall and die, freeze and die, or starve and die? Would any of this matter to anyone anywhere? What if the answer is no? Go do it anyway, I say.

How similar is Points in Case to McDonald's? What if McDonald's stopped serving French fries? In any case, what's your point?What if you asked yourself a multitude of "what if" questions right now? How would you feel about that? What if "what if" questions did not exist? Would the words and "what" and "if" cease to exist or just the question "what if"? What if semantics died? Would anyone attend the funeral?

What if instead of a human heart you had a nectarine's heart? Would this concern you? Would you have open heart surgery to replace your nectarine heart with a human heart? Is there a doctor who knows how to do this? Is that doctor a quack job? How good are his hands?

What if you took the SAT right now? Would you feel nervous? Would you refuse? Would you do better on the math or verbal section? Would anyone care how you scored? How much money would you pay your psychiatrist to make you feel better for scoring lower than the national average? Would the psychiatrist tell you he scored higher than you? Would it bother you or your mother if he did? What if you mother dated your psychiatrist and they made fun of your SAT score when you weren't around?

What if you are a man and suddenly became a woman? Would you go buy perfume and a halter top? Would you be more controlling? Would you be more sympathetic? Would you consider yourself a chick or a babe? Would you stare at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're smokin' hot?

What if you are a woman and, an hour from now, you became a man? Would you want to punch somebody for no reason? Would you be more belligerent? Would you be less concerned with social etiquette? Would you read books about manhood?

 Would your girlfriend hate you?

What if time stood still for 2 hours and 45 minutes starting now? Ready, go. Would time look like a Macy's mannequin? Would time become less of an abstraction and take on more human qualities such as bad posture and dispassionate acceptance of excessive traffic laws?

What if John Smith was mad because he had such a common name? What if besides him there were 689 million other John Smiths, 92% of which lived in the United States, 6% in Ireland, and 2% in the rest of the world? Would John care as much as you do about this? If you cared more than him, would that bother you? Would you bother asking yourself this? What if John Smith was the most average of all the John Smiths? What if on the SAT his score placed him precisely at the national average. Would John have answered the question on the test about the law of averages correctly? How average is average on average? Is average relative or precise? Does John have any idea how average he really is or is he oblivious? What if Joe was not average? How wild would that be? Take an average and divide by John.

What if Points in Case did not exist? Would anyone know? At what Points in Case in its journey will Points in Case transmogrify into something else? Does Points in Case have a good office cafeteria? What is the average amount of time a Points in Case writer spends eating at McDonald's per week while reading Points in Case on his or her smartphone? How many vegetables does McDonalds serve? How similar is Points in Case to McDonald's? What if McDonald's stopped serving French fries? In any case, what's your point?

What if the world ended right now? Who would burn? Who would freeze? Who would get a chocolate milk shake as a reward? Who would see God? Who would see Moses? Who would see John the Baptist? Who would see Judah Ben Hur? Who would get to slow dance with the Immaculate Mary? Who would go with Satan? Who wouldn't go anywhere and be nowhere? Does the end of the world mean no more writing for Points in Case?

What if Germans and Russian and Italians were actually Lithuanians and Peruvians and Jordanians? Would anyone be confused? Assume a few people would be. Would Wikipedia.org provide a simple explanation and would it be truthful? If you Googled Germans, would you get nothing but Peruvian ballads? Does this mean a bear never goes in the woods?

What if tomorrow you woke up and were a bear?

Would you go in the woods? If you did, what if nobody was happy about it?

What if you didn't care?

Is Your Chicken Tired?

"You should always let your meat rest after it's been cooked," they say. That's what she said!

Last weekend, I pulled a golden brown free range chicken off the BBQ for our dinner guests and my wife said, "You can't cut it now. Leave it for a bit, it has to rest."

Every time I cook some meat, I want to tear into it right away. Preferably the way my ancestors did, with fingernails and teeth, not knives and forks.

"Don't open the oven door, my chicken is on vacation. It needs the rest."

Isn't it me that should get some rest? I'm the one turning on the BBQ, flipping the chicken, watching for excessive flame, poking with a meat thermometer and lifting the beer bottle. For god's sake, the hopes and dreams of all my dinner guests are in my tongs.

And I haven't even started tearing and chewing.

The meat just lies there.

Does the chicken really need to rest after complete inactivity for two hours? Isn't being dead rest enough? I think there's another term for resting your cooked chicken; it's called "letting it get cold."

What about my dinner guests? They're starving. I've prepared the plates with potatoes and veggies and the meat is still missing.

"Where's the chicken?" asks a guest.

"It'll be out in a minute, it's just napping."

"Okay. How often does it nap? Will it need another one before I finish eating it? Maybe I should eat it really fast before it gets drowsy. I hate when my chicken nods off during the meal."

What if the chicken has narcolepsy? I guess a good poke with a fork should wake it up.

"Pay attention, I'm eating you," explains another guest, to the chicken.

"My chicken tastes bland. Is that because it's asleep? Is the flavor asleep too?" asks a guest.

Let's compare a chicken before and after it's cooked. If you ask me, the chicken needs a rest before it's cooked.

If you looked in the mirror and saw a raw chicken instead of your face, wouldn't you feel the need for a day off? Hey, did you go to Michael Jackson's doctor for that complexion? You need more like a full-blown vacation, I would say.

And that's pretty much what a chicken gets when you prepare and cook it. It's a spa vacation for meat.

It starts off with a relaxing rub down of scented oils and herbs. There's probably some nice music in the background and the liquor is flowing

.

After marinating (aka resting) for a few hours while reading an exciting set of cooking instructions, the chicken goes in the "tanning booth," the oven or BBQ. Two hours of relaxing warmth in your own private tanning pan with a nice window view? I'll take that.

"Don't open the oven door, my chicken is on vacation. It needs the rest."

Then the chicken gets a free medical checkup. Insert the thermometer. Is this chicken getting the flu?

Take it out of the oven and the chicken looks like Wayne Newton, a tan people pay thousands for.

The mashed potatoes are insanely jealous of the chicken. "Hey man, you just back from Barbados? Nice tan. We never tan. Sometimes they'll add a yam or two, but we end up with one of those fake orange tans."

The chicken is moved to a cutting board, but really it's a Pilates mat for meat. You bend the chicken in all kinds of twisted ways to make sure it's cooked.

Time for the chiropractor to give the chicken a bone adjustment. All included.

By this time the chicken is so relaxed the meat just falls off the bone. Have you ever been that relaxed?

When the chicken is served, the dinner guests go out of their way to gather around and fuss about it. This is no time for a nap. This is your time in the spotlight, Mr. Chicken.

On second thought, forget the chicken. I want some of that treatment.

I wish I were a nice piece of chicken.

8 Things That Fit Just Perfectly Into Other Things

Ahh yeah, that's satisfying. It's like we were made for each other.

 

1. Box into a box

 

2. Snickers bar into car median

 

3. Wine glass into beer glass

 

4. Scale into bathroom tile

5. Water into sink drain

 

 

6. Pizza box into microwave

7. Sprinkles into car seat

 

8. iPhone into MacBook Air

A few things you definitely shouldn't do on Vine

 

1. Grind on Me Vines:

Listen it's not that we're all not humping our floors to some Trey Songz, but you got to keep that stuff private. Also you're 13. Why do you have this app. Or an iPhone.

 

2. The Difference Between White People and Black People in Any Scenario, Ever:

We get it, white people are calm and laid-back and black people exude excitement like they just won the lottery. But If I see one more of these vines I'm going to do nothing about it and be slightly irritated.

 

3. (Insert demographic here) People Be Like:

Yes people be like. But that doesn't mean every single demographic of people should have their own personal vine displaying "how they be".

4. Girls singing:

You do realize vine is only 7 seconds right? Clearly not enough time to fit a whole song in there. Or even a chorus. If you must upload yourself bravely trying to sing Miley Cyrus's new hit single, there is this great up and coming website called "YouTube".

5. Vines that easily could have just been pictures:

It's not that I don't like your kid, it's just that...you know what I hate your kid. I know I'm supposed to think their cute because they came out of your body or whatever but the "miracle" of birth just doesn't make it socially acceptable to post 6 seconds of your boring kid being boring. 

The 8 Hottest New Terrible Start-Ups of SXSW 2014

 

insi.de
insi.de is a web service that aims to save you hassle and money by stopping you from exploring the world. I've always dreamed of visiting Germany, but thanks to insi.de I learned that there was apparently a very bad dude from there who killed like, tons of people. I saved thousands of dollars on plane trips from interesting places thanks to insi.de. I don't even go to work anymore. According to insi.de I have to do work if I go there.

Showtime
Showtime is dedicated to bringing the concert experience to you. You can choose any artist from your music library and Showtime will increase the bass ten-fold, generate random technical difficulties, and add banter between songs. Showtime Pro will even splice in "How we doin' tonight, [CITY]" based on your geo-location and play 5 songs from a random band before playing your music. In September the company will release Showtime Walls, two $300 add-on panels that simulate pushing crowds and the faint smell of weed.

fivepm
Have you ever been kicked out of a bar at closing time but decided that you weren't done drinking? fivepm is a hot new social network that will hook you up with other people who have alcohol and are willing to open their homes to your drunk, disjointed self. Never again will you have to go without alcohol for any period of time.

Fahrenheit 1488
Fahrenheit 1488 (1488? for short ) tells you how many degrees something is away from Hitler. Remember when insi.de told me about the bad guy from Germany? 1488? tells me he's only 0 degrees from Hitler. Turns out he isHiter. I haven't lost an argument since Fahrenheit 1488 has put the power of the straw man in my hand. "You enjoy The Lion King? The movie with the Hans Zimmer score? As in Germany's Hans Zimmer? As in the country ruled by.., Hitler?"

OHNBD
Facebook and Instagram is old hat. The only thing anyone wants to see are photos of their friends with celebrities, or at least in close proximity to celebrities. OHNBD is a social network for you to upload your photos of celebrity encounters with the caption "Oh, no big deal, just me hanging out with ___." You can rate your friends' photos on a scale from "big deal" to "not a big deal." The more you post the cooler you appear.

Vineyard
We all love Vine, but... what if it were longer? With Vineyard you can take vines as long as you want! Vineyard allows you to shoot vines of any length, then export them to your computer. You can also edit multiple Vineyards together to any length or upload them to YouTube to share them! Vineyard is probably the app I'm most excited for, I've never seen anything like it.

Paddlecab
Uber? Boring. Lyft? Yeah, right! For my money, the future of ridesharing is Paddlecab, the stand-up paddleboard ridesharing app. Travel to work in style on one of Paddlecab's patented roller-paddleboards, which are like tandem skateboards for two or more people. Your paddle cabbie will stand in front and paddle along the asphalt while you stand in the back and just take it all in. I took Paddlecabs all around the city this year and managed to arrive everywhere with only minor cuts and scrapes!

APOLLO®: brought to you by WILL.I.AM & SAMSUNG®
Will.i.am is involved with this app, so it's really cool. We all know and love The Black Eyed Peas, and now the cool frontman of BEP has created this new app with the guys that make those phones. Super cool. I stood in line for about 3 hours to meet will.i.am and got to take a photo with him. No big deal, he's just the dude that sang "Pump It." They had a big corner of the trade show floor this year and the Apollo logo was everywhere around the city, so I think this app is gonna be huge. I don't know what it does.

7 GoPro GIFs That Are BETTER Than Living Them

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10 Offensively Sexy Emojis

If we live in a world where our emojis don't even pass the Bechdel test, how will we ever progress? Here are 10 emojis that are setting unrealistic standards for women everywhere:

1. 

 

Take "sassy girl emoji". The lamestream media wants me to look like her. Happy, no teeth, no eyelids, no body underneath my chest. Not only that, but having my arm not connected to the rest of my body?? Talk about unfair expectations. It would be ridiculous for any real woman to look like this.

2. 

Like the WORLD isn't already expecting me to be a wife, it's now expecting me to be a wife with NO TEETH, NO EYELIDS, NO BODY, and I somehow lost the ONLY ARM I HAD? Wow. Great. Thanks, media.

3.

 

Don't even get me started on this. I mean, how long are we going to have girls aspire to this emoji? Being one girl is ENOUGH pressure, but now we have to be two girls who have four black tic-tacs in their hair WHILE kicking their left leg at the SAME TIME?? Thanks for nothing, society!

4. 

These girls are some of the worst offenders of false standards of beauty. Not only are they joined at the hand, which is OBVIOUSLY photoshopped, but they also have no mouths. Like us with mouths have to use our imperfect mouths to apologize for not naturally having no mouths. Ugh, the world we live in.

5. 

Just another emoji making young girls turn away from computer science to getting plastic surgery to look like a dancer with no hands and no face. There's no saying whether she even has a second leg. It's 2015. We need something to change.

6. 

Wow. As if our bodies weren't tough enough to deal with, now we're expected to NOT HAVE THEM??? Raise your hand if you've been expected to not only look good in a bikini, but to then LITERALLY just BECOME ONE.

7. 

Sure, we all have feet, but do all of us have to subscribe to the monsters wanting women to be two red footprints so close together and angled at 10º (just eyeballing here)?? Why do we have to compare ourselves to this? DISGUSTING.

8.

We get it, media. We get it, umbrella. Why don't you just tell ALL GIRLS they're ugly? That's right. Why don't you just remember the face of your MOTHER, your SISTER, your DAUGHTER, and tell EVERY WOMAN YOU'VE MET that these emojis are RUINING US ALL.

9.

Really, Emoji?? YOUNG girls are looking at these, every day, telling themselves they're not beautiful. And according to these standards, they can't be until they become a top hat.

10.

You know what? Screw the public. Screw the media's representation of women. Screw these false standards that we have to live up to. We are ALL beautiful in our own way. Even if we aren't a single drop of water. Even if we can never be a single drop of water.

6 People Who Kept It Real As Fuck At The 2015 Academy Awards

1) Neil Patrick Harris Calling Out How White This Show Is

Being the host of the Oscars is pretty much a thankless job. You can be the best there is, but the soul-crushing run time and obligatory ass kissing will soften even the sharpest performance. I think Neil Patrick Harris realized that, so he made a very strong joke right at the top and let the whole thing kind of slide down a mountain from there

Damn. Just, damn. I loved it! Everyone was talking about how white the nominees were this year and he calls it out minute one. And he’s completely right. Every time they showed the audience, it looked like a discount box of crayons where the only thing you could color is beige sand.

2) Jack Black’s Solo

When they cut to Jack Black in the audience during the opening song, I was like, “Oh. OK. Here we go. This will suck.” But it did not suck. He talked about how the movie business is a big garbage dump that’s obsessed with making money and doesn’t care about quality. He mentioned pandering to Chinese dollars and fickle friends you’ll have in the business. He got pretty specific. It was the best Oscars opening ever! NPH was calling out the room for being white and Jack Black was outing the industry executives for the greedy cowards they are. I wish it could’ve gone on like that for the next four hours.

3) J.K. Simmons

J.K. Simmons was going to win. Everybody knew it. So it would make sense that he’d have a pretty clear-cut agenda when he hit the stage. Thank his gifted kids? Sure. But telling everyone watching to pick up a phone and call someone they love? Damn. What a G move. It made me do a pretty hard reality check that the only people I pick up the phone to call are the ones who deliver Thai food to me. And while I love them very much, I should probably reach out to some living relatives while I still have the chance. Also, totally awesome how he specifically said don’t text or email because you just know 99% of the people listening up until that point were like, “Yeahhhhhh, I’m just going to text or email.” Unless I find out that J.K. Simmons has an endorsement deal with AT&T long distance, this was the most genuine moment of the night for me.

4) The Guy Who Just Kept Talking Over The Music

How many Polish directors does it take to start a revolution? Just one. Pawel Pawlikowski.

The balls on this guy. I’ve been watching the Academy Awards my whole life (I’m one year old) and I’ve never seen this move. He just kept talking until the music was done! Everyone was silent. Did he just do that? Can you just do that?! It totally worked! He got a surge of applause from actors who had been bullied by that music for decades. The control room didn’t know how to handle it. Wouldn’t be surprised if someone had a stroke. Then they just turned the music back on and he wrapped up. I want that guy to be my life coach because he clearly believes you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

5) Patricia Arquette

Not a whole lot to say here. She got on the mic and talked about wage equality for women. It was fucking awesome. I don’t have stats on what women make compared to men because I am a man and I’m too scared and ashamed to look at those stats, but I know it’s a real number and it bums me out. It sucks. So good for Patricia Arquette for using this platform to call attention to a serious issue. And there’s some kind of poetic justice that a woman winning an award for a supporting role is trying to call out the evidently under-appreciated supporting roles women have in the workplace. Basically she kept it real as fuck. Good for you, Patricia Arquette. You must be doing something right when Meryl Streep and J.Lo give you this kind of respect.

6) Suicide Kings

It takes a lot of courage to talk about suicide in this environment. Mostly because by hour two of this celebrity circle jerk everyone in the Dolby Theatre and at home is weighing the merits of gargling paint thinner. But seriously folks, people die by their own hand all the time. Way too often. And whether it’s straight-up suicide or easily preventable death, we should all be more in tune with one another and try to stop this stuff from happening. It was a bold move to bring it up. Commendable even. But how about the fact that suicide got brought up TWICE? That’s A LOT of suicide talk for the Academy Awards. What a night for suicide! Does anyone know who suicide was wearing? I also loved how after the first time, Neil Patrick Harris just said, “Wow, I like that dress.” Yes, she was wearing a dress that’s easy to goof on, but that’s probably the least appropriate response. It’s my new favorite way to transition out of a conversation about suicide. If anyone I love or care about tries to have an earnest conversation about suicide with me, I’m just going to say, “Wow, I like that dress.” Then hopefully they’ll get the reference and laugh. What’s the worst that could happen?

7 Things All Women Hide From Men

Beyoncé may wake up flawless, but the rest of us aren't so lucky! We need personal time to groom so we can present a more attractive version of ourselves to the world. You may not know that we have toe hair too -- we just shave it!

 

When we first meet you, you better bet we go through your entire internet history! Before our first date we know where you live, who you bank with, and any signs of physical weaknesses.

Don't tell a woman anything you don't want her best friend to know! Lady friends tell each other EVERYTHING, from your family's muffin recipe to the best way to enter your apartment without a key.

Drake has made sure our love for Beyoncé is not a secret, but the true depth of our admiration for Queen B is unfathomable to the male imagination. We will not rest until she holds all power she rightfully deserves.

Men may hold 80% of parliament seats worldwide and 95% of Fortune 500 CEO positions, but don't underestimate girl power. And by girl power, I mean the high-powered assault rifles every woman keeps stored in her shoe closet. LOL you didn't think anyone could actually want to own that many pairs of Jimmy Choos, did you?!

As you've probably always suspected, all labias roll out to reveal maps with color-coded war plans. And - even more well-guarded than that darn g-spot - is an inner secret vagina pocket filled with nuclear launch codes calculated to destroy all men at any given moment. We are just waiting for Her Supreme Majesty Beyoncé to give the word and the fury of womankind will rain down.

We don't want to destroy all of you menfolk, but those darn meninists are onto us. We may never admit it but we'll miss you, our big strong pickle jar openers. :X :P  :*