7 Reasons Why Valentine's Day is the Best Day to Be Single

Today is the best day to hit the gym / go the laundromat / run any annoying errand that anyone who has an excuse would put off. Everyone in these places on this day is SINGLE and READY TO MINGLE. Or at least single and quickly moving through very short lines.

 It's rude to completely ignore Valentine's Day when you're in a relationship or even casually dating someone... even if it's just to address you aren't going to do anything. But as a singleton, this day can be just another dumb holiday you ignore -- like Arbor Day or National Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie Appreciation Day.

 Anything that just happens to have hearts on it is 75% off today. Candy. Candles. Flowers. Lingerie. Chocolate fondue hot tubs. You have the time (and thus the advantage over couples) to grab all the good discounts. Even Valentine's Day events are cheaper when you're buying for one.

Todayyou have an excuse to exclude that one friend in a six year long relationship who's offended when they aren't invited to your single people events.

Instead of hearing another love lecture from someone who married the only person they've ever kissed, you and your fellow single friends can get drunk, share Tinder date horror stories, and celebrate how amazing it is to have an entire bed to yourself to fall asleep in whenever you please.

Most workplaces that have a no-delivery policy will lift this ban for Valentine's Day. In lieu of spending money on a genuine gift for a romantic partner, you can use that money to send a friend a sensual basket or giant teddy bear to embarrass them in front of their coworkers.

Perhaps consider a tasteful dildo bouquet? No one will believe their flustered "Oh, it's just from my friend ..."

Valentine's is the one day a year it is socially acceptable to mourn your lack of relationship without even having a recent break-up. So celebrate Singles Awareness Day by watching Blue Valentine, listening to K-Ci and JoJo,and finishing writing your sci fi novella The Last Eclipse -- a thinly veiled memoir of your last relationship. Any other day it's pathetic, but today WALLOW FREELY AND PROUDLY.

People are lined up two-by-two in overbooked and overpriced restaurants, begrudgingly trying to replicate some Hollywood image of what a romantic day looks like. Or even worse are the self-aware couples who intentionally do nothing but then get into fights about how the other one did more. Lucky for you, all these fights mean more single friends!

So go ahead ... eat that entire heart-shaped pizza by yourself. Shove your face with cheap chocolatey goodness. Buy your very own dildo bouquet because, you know what? Like every other day, you're FREEEEEEEE AND IT FEELS SO GOOD.